How to do the Worst Ever Wedding Speech

iStock_000003459603_SmallSo, you want to do the worst wedding speech ever? The kind which is talked about in hushed tones for years to come, held up as an example of everything you should never, ever do?

It’s a pretty tall order – and you’re up against some tough competition – but if you stick to the Rules below then you’ll certainly give them a speech to remember – for all the wrong reasons!

1) Don’t Prepare

Some people will tell you to start preparing nice and early and put in plenty of practice before the day. That way you’ll have a great wedding speech and you’ll be in the best shape to deliver it without worrying about forgetting what you’re going to say.

Practice is for wimps. Real men sit down and start writing in a drunken haze the night before the wedding, or even better scribble down some notes during the wedding breakfast itself. After all: how hard can it be? Don’t worry about the fact that what you come up with this way will be nowhere near as good as if you’d planned and prepared it months in advance. Remember: we want to do a really bad speech, so we need to handicap you as much as possible.

2) Have a Drink or Three

Nervous? Apprehensive? Dreading standing up and talking? Alcohol’s a great way to calm those nerves and get you nice and relaxed.

To be at your best you should stay sober, as booze can affect your delivery and your ability to speak clearly and concisely. But don’t forget that our aim is to do a really bad speech, so sink as many pints as you can before you get up to speak. And don’t forget another nice side-effect of alcohol: drink enough and you won’t remember how bad a job you did!

3) No Personal Content

As a wedding speech maker, people expect you to say something about the bride and groom and their happy day. But we don’t just want to follow the herd, do we? After all, personal stuff involves preparation and research – remember Rule 1!

Grab a load of generic one-liners from the Internet or a joke book and just throw them together. Even better, ask your mates for any wedding speeches they’ve done and just change the names. Surely no-one will ever notice…?

4) Be Rude and Offensive

A good speech needs plenty of laughs, and there’s nothing like a few shocks to get people laughing. Is the bride blonde? Then trot out a few blonde jokes. Mother-in-law jokes are also good – the more offensive the better. Chances are some people (OK, most people) won’t find them funny, but you can’t please all the people all the time, can you?

5) Quantity, Not Quality

It’s a well known fact that the more you say, the more impressed people will be. After all, it takes guts to just stand up and say a few words, so think how much courage you’ll be showing by speaking for half an hour or more non-stop!

Don’t worry about people being bored or uncomfortable. Keep on going for as long as possible, especially if you don’t have anything original to say. If you speak for long enough, they’ll all glaze over and not notice that what you’re saying is actually complete b******s…

6) Criticise or Ignore the Bride

Weddings always seem to be all about the bride: doesn’t she look beautiful, she’s so happy, isn’t the dress gorgeous, blah, blah, blah.

Gets a bit boring, doesn’t it? Why not break with tradition and turn the tables – give her some ribbing rather than the groom. Talk about her annoying bad habits, how she’s a bit of a slapper, that sort of stuff. Any crying she does will probably be tears of joy (or you could pretend it is anyway…).

7) It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon

If you’re struggling with content then this one’s for you. The aim of the game is to get your wedding speech over and done with as soon as you can: so don’t pause at all while you’re delivering your speech, and make sure that there’s none of that time-consuming stuff where you speak slowly and clearly. Get the words out as quick as you can – the quicker you finish, the sooner you can sit down and start enjoying yourself, safe in the knowledge that you’ve done your bit. Don’t worry about the guests not understanding you, as that sort of thing is for well-delivered speeches, not bad ones…

8) Mumble

A great way to hide the fact that your speech is a bit rubbish is to make sure that no-one can hear it, so talk as quietly as you can. If the audience ask you to speak up, do so for about three words before drifting back to a nice, quiet mumble. Repeat as necessary: they’ll soon give up.

9) Criticise the Other Speeches

Attack is the best form of defence, so if one of the earlier speech-makers does a good job, then criticise them. Don’t worry about the fact that the audience seems to be on their side: everyone will be so blown away by your stunning put down that they’ll soon see you as the real winner, surely? The same goes for any speeches coming after yours: belittle them, and don’t worry about people thinking that you appear ungracious or aggressive.

10) Don’t Look Up!

You’re doing a speech, not trying to make friends, so keep your head down and focus on your notes. Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with your audience.

This has the advantage of enhancing your mumbling ability (Rule 8), helping you to rush on through as quickly as possible (Rule 7) and ensuring no-one notices how bloodshot your eyes are (Rule 2). You also won’t notice people’s reactions, so will avoid running the risk of accidentally taking their feelings into account (Rules 4 and 6) nor will you worry that they look bored (Rule 5). As added bonuses, you also won’t notice them getting annoyed because you’re just reading out a load of jokes from the internet (Rule 3), and you absolutely won’t realise that they’re offended by you being aggressive or disrespectful (Rule 9). This is also perfect for those who haven’t prepared and so can’t remember what’s on their notes anyway (Rule 1). In summary, this is the perfect way to pull together all of the Rules above and make sure you really do deliver the worst speech ever!


If, however, you’d like to do it right, contact me at and I can help you avoid all of these mistakes and more, making sure that you deliver a great speech in a calm, professional and enjoyable manner! See here for more information. Also, check out my book: The Wedding Speech Manual: The Complete Guide to Preparing, Writing and Performing Your Wedding Speech.




Peter D Oxley
Pete Oxley is a freelance writer and business manager who lives in the English Home Counties. He enjoys reading and writing in a wide range of areas but his main passions are sci-fi, fantasy, historical fiction and Steampunk. Influences include HG Wells, Charles Dickens, Neil Gaiman, KW Jeter, Scott Lynch, Clive Barker and Joss Whedon. Author of the non-fiction book "The Wedding Speech Manual" and the historical fantasy series "The Infernal Aether". He lives with his wife, two young sons and a slowly growing guitar collection. Probably a masochist: aside from writing and willingly speaking in front of large crowds of strangers, Pete spends his spare time playing music badly and supporting football teams that play badly.

Leave a Reply Text