How To Do The Worst Ever Wedding Speech

iStock_000003459603_SmallSo you want to do the worst wedding speech ever. It’s a pretty tall order and you’re up against some tough competition, but if you stick to the Rules below then you’ll certainly give them a speech to remember – for all the wrong reasons.


1) Don’t Prepare

Some people will tell you to start preparing nice and early so you can put in plenty of practice before the day.

Practice is for wimps. Real men sit down and start writing in a drunken haze the night before the wedding, or even better scribble down some notes during the wedding breakfast itself. After all: how hard can it be?


2) Have a Drink or Three

Nervous? Apprehensive? Dreading standing up and talking? Alcohol’s a great way to calm those nerves and get you nice and relaxed.

To do the best job you can you should stay sober, as booze can also affect your delivery and ability to speak clearly and concisely. But don’t forget our aim is to do as bad a speech as possible, so get as many pints down you as you can. And don’t forget another nice side-effect of alcohol: drink enough and you’ll forget all about how bad a job you did.


3) No Personal Content

As a wedding speech maker, people expect you to say something about the bride and groom and this happy day. But we don’t want to just follow the herd do we? After all, personal stuff involves preparation and research – remember Rule 1!

Grab a load of generic one-liners from the Internet or a joke book. Even better, ask your mates for any wedding speeches they’ve done and just change the names. No-one will ever know…


4) Be Rude and Offensive

A good speech needs plenty of laughs, and there’s nothing like a few shocks to get people laughing. Is the bride blonde? Then trot out a few blonde jokes. Mother in law jokes are also good – the more offensive the better. OK, so some people won’t find them funny, but you can’t please all the people all the time, can you?


5) Quantity, Not Quality

It’s a well known fact that the more you say, the more impressed people will be. After all, it takes guts to just stand up and say a few words, so think how much it takes to speak for half an hour or more non-stop!

Don’t worry about people getting bored or uncomfortable. Keep on going for as long as possible, especially if you’re struggling for original content. If you speak for long enough, they’ll all glaze over and not notice that what you’re saying is actually complete b******s…


6) Criticise or Ignore the Bride

Weddings always seem to be all about the bride: doesn’t she look beautiful, she’s so happy, isn’t the dress gorgeous, blah, blah, blah.

Gets a bit boring, doesn’t it? Why not break with tradition and turn the tables – give her some ribbing rather than the groom. Any crying she does will probably be tears of joy (or you could pretend it is anyway…).


7) It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon

If you’re struggling with content then this one’s for you. The aim of the game is to get it over and done with as soon as you can, so no pauses and none of that time-consuming slow speaking. Get the words out as quick as you can – the sooner you do, the sooner you can sit down and start enjoying yourself, safe in the knowledge that you’ve done your bit. If the guests don’t understand you, they’ll probably just assume it’s their fault, not yours.


8 ) Mumble

A great way to hide the fact that your speech is a bit rubbish is to make sure no-one can hear it, so also talk as quietly as you can. If they ask you to speak up, do so for about 3 words before drifting back to a nice, quiet mumble. They’ll soon give up.


9) Criticise the Other Speeches

Attack is the best form of defence, so if someone before you does a good job, then do your best to criticise them. Don’t worry about the fact that the audience seems to be on their side: yes, this is a risky manoeuvre, but everyone will be so blown away by your stunning put down that they’ll soon see you as the real winner. The same goes for any speeches coming after yours: belittle them, and don’t worry about people thinking you appear ungracious or aggressive.


10) Don’t Look Up!

You’re doing a speech, not trying to make friends, so keep your head down and focus on your notes. This has the advantage of enhancing your mumbling ability (Rule 8), helping you to rush on through as quickly as possible (Rule 7) and ensuring no-one notices how bloodshot your eyes are (Rule 2). You also won’t notice people’s reactions, so will avoid running the risk of accidentally taking their feelings into account (Rules 4 and 6) or that they look bored (Rule 5).




Peter D Oxley
Pete Oxley is a freelance writer and business manager who lives in the English Home Counties. He enjoys reading and writing in a wide range of areas but his main passions are sci-fi, fantasy, historical fiction and Steampunk. Influences include HG Wells, Charles Dickens, Neil Gaiman, KW Jeter, Scott Lynch, Clive Barker and Joss Whedon. Author of the non-fiction book "The Wedding Speech Manual" and the historical fantasy series "The Infernal Aether". He lives with his wife, two young sons and a slowly growing guitar collection. Probably a masochist: aside from writing and willingly speaking in front of large crowds of strangers, Pete spends his spare time playing music badly and supporting football teams that play badly.

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